last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
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