picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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