I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Randomize
