I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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