He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
