Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
