Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
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