with your own penis?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
