Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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