i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
