My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
