Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
