I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
