Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
