Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
