Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
