Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize