he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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