WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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