he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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