just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
