Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
