Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
