My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
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Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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