She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
