he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
