I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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