I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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