i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
