New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
