im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
