dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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