"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
