Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
