I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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