you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
