Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
