I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
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Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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