Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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