I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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