i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize
