Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
