There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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