I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
