Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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