omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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