I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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