all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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