i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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