I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
