I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
