you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
