you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
