Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
