Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house