Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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