Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
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Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
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Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.