I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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