I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
