he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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